Outside of Time and Space Chapter 3

Don’t take away my Mad Magazine

(ding) 7 Minutes and Counting.

Dandy Don Announcer Guy:

As the sun starts setting into the west with all of the glorious color of this fall day, there is a muted anticipation of the events that are about to unfold. History will most definitely note more than a passing footnote to this day, as we are about to witness the first time that the human race has passed outside of time and space. So stay with us here on ABC’s Wide World of Space as we watch the launching of the Chronosphere Chronus 1.

Commercial:

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Dandy Don Announcer Guy:

Welcome back. We are proud to bring you this radio broadcast from the mission control here on earth, and from the Solar-synchronous orbiter from which this mission is being launched. My friend and colleague is on that space station. David, are you there?

Dandy David the Announcer:

Don, yes I’m here. And hello folks, I’m your host for the next half-hour as we explore and take in this truly universal event together.

As Don said in the introduction to the show, we have five minutes before mankind steps beyond the bounds of the universe. In that time we’ll meet the Chrononauts, the men and women who are making this historic journey. We’ll also meet the scientists who have made it possible. We also have on staff several scientific analysts who are going to explain the who, what, when, why, and where about this mission. We also will hear from some representatives from the government and the religious establishment to find out their views on this truly magnificent event.

Dandy Don Announcer Guy:

But first, let us take a station break.

This is double-u dee double-e located on the internet at double-u double-u double-u dot dee double-e l-o-n-g dot com. The station for now and all of eternity.

(ding) 6 Minutes and Counting.

Dandy David the Announcer:

OK, well. Our first guest is the senior director of operations for the mission, Dr. Ian Overwalk. Dr. Overwalk, could you describe what is happening here today.

Dr. Overwalk:

Sure David, I would love to. As you are probably aware, this is the culmination of years and years of hard hard work. My predecessor’s predecessor, Dr. Mike Avelli, set the current project in motion, through the old United States NASA, which of course stood for National Aeronautics and Space Administration. He convinced the congress of the United States, that exploring the solar system was fine and dandy, but that we should be exploring outside of time and space. Just think what a big and bold step that was. He basically said that they had to suspend disbelief and face the ire and disbelief of their constituents and vote for a voyage that seemed fantastical – seemed like something right out of a Jules Verne book or a Doctor Who episode. Congress of course voted it down, time and time again, but he stuck to it, and hid it from them, until they could no longer say no.

My predecessor’s predecessor’s successor, which is of course, my predecessor, Dr. Condor, set the stage for our success with the inauguration of the Solar Aeronautics and Chronautics Administration – SACA – or ACE – Academy of Chronautics On Earth. This amazing organization has grown to the stature that it has today, through the diligent and hard work and support of the governments of the 131 member nations.

Today, there are tens of thousands of administration, clerical, and managerial staff members within ACE who are working with the one thousand scientists and engineers who are making this endeavor possible.

Dandy David the Announcer:

I’m sorry to interrupt you at this time Dr. Overwalk, but we must pay the bills mustn’t we. We’ll return to the program right after this important message from one of our sponsors.

Commercial:

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Dandy Don Announcer Guy:

Let’s take a moment for our local stations to identify themselves on this, the ACE broadcasting network.

This is double-u dee double-e located on the internet at double-u double-u double-u dot dee double-e l-o-n-g dot com. The station for now and all of eternity.

(ding) 5 Minutes and Counting.

Dandy Don Announcer Guy:

Dandy David the Announcer:

Don, yes I’m still here. And yes hello folks, I’m still proud to be your host for the next half-hour as we explore and take in this truly universal event together.

We would next like to visit with Sir Walter Chronus III, who is going to describe to us what is going to happen today. Sir, Walter, so, what IS going to happen today.

Sir Walter Chronus III:

Hello people of Earth. It is indeed my pleasure to be here today. It is all very simple indeed. The two Chrononauts are going to enter the Chronosphere – or as most people know it as the Wunderschloss Bubble. They will then journey outside of time and space, where they will have several scientific experiments to perform. They will then re-enter the space time continuum at a different point from which they started, namely not here. They have several experiments to perform there, and they are to retrieve several artifacts, which the scientists have specified. They will then once again step out of time and space and re-enter it again to enable them to return here.

Dandy David the Announcer:

Exciting! And what are they going to retrieve? And how long will they be gone?

Dandy Don Announcer Guy:

I’m sorry to interrupt David, but again, we must pay some bills. We’ll return to this exciting interview right after this word from one of our sponsors.

Commercial:

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Dandy Don Announcer Guy:

And now back to David and Dr. Walter Chronus III.

Dandy David the Announcer:

Thanks Don, and now back to Dr. Walter Chronus III.

Dr. Walter Chronus III:

Thanks David and Don. I understand that they’re going to retrieve the long lost pilot proof of the first Mad Magazine. I’m not sure why they chose that, though I am sure that the mission planners are fans of that magazine, though I’ve never really understood it myself. Anyway, they’ll have slightly less than one hour to do this, as that is all the life support system that the Chronosphere can support. Of course, we won’t notice that they have been gone that long, as they should re-enter our space-time continuum just seconds after they have left. In fact, if they appear to be gone for more than ten seconds, then we can safely assume that they are not safely returning, safely.

Dandy Don Announcer Guy:

Thank you Dr. Walter Chronus III, Let us take a station break on this the ACE broadcast network.

This is double-u dee double-e located on the internet at double-u double-u double-u dot dee double-e l-o-n-g dot com. The station for now and all of eternity.

(ding) 4 Minutes and Counting.

Dandy Don Announcer Guy:

Dandy David the Announcer:

Don, yes I’m still here. And yes hello folks, I’m still proud to be your host for the next half-hour as we explore and take in this truly universal event together.

We now look at the controversial side of this project. The religious establishment has come down very severely and offered up some harsh criticism of the project. Here to present their views on this historic event is the Reverend Father Arius.

Reverend Father Arius:

To quote from the United Theological Council’s Condemnation of this event:

The Universe was made for man, this is our domain.

To try and travel outside of it, is truly just insane.

Actually it is far worse than insane. The universe was created for man to stay within. Man should not try to get out. Man should not try to see God. Man cannot get out to see God. It won’t work. God will not allow it. This is the ultimate in sins. What does man think he is? God? Actually we believe that this is Satan’s work. He is trying to make man sin and use man’s sin to get at God.

Dandy David the Announcer:

So father, are you saying that these Chrononauts are going to meet God when they arrive outside of time and space?

Dandy Don Announcer Guy:

I’m sorry to interrupt David, but again, we must pay some bills. We’ll return to this exciting interview right after this word from one of our sponsors.

Commercial:

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Dandy Don Announcer Guy:

And now back to David and the Reverend Father Arius.

Dandy David the Announcer:

Thanks Don, and now back to the Reverend Father Arius.

Reverend Father Arius:

No! Yes! I mean No. They must not try this. Though, like when man tried to build the tower of Babel to reach God, in this case God will not allow it. He’ll stop man from finding him. But, like when man built the tower of Babel, something bad will come of this new attempt. Though how God will punish us and whether it can be truly worse than all those languages – I don’t know.

Dandy Don Announcer Guy:

Well there you have it. And here you have a word from your local station.

This is double-u dee double-e located on the internet at double-u double-u double-u dot dee double-e l-o-n-g dot com. The station for now and all of eternity.

(ding) 3 Minutes and Counting.

Dandy Don Announcer Guy:

Dandy David the Announcer:

Don, yes I’m still there. And yes hello folks, I’m still proud to be your host for the next half-hour as we explore and take in this truly universal event together.

We now will hear from one of the key scientists on the project. He is Dr. Fritz Von Leibniz, who is a direct descendant of that great mathematician Gottfried Wilhelm Von Leibniz. So, mathematics runs in the family, hey, Dr. Leibniz.

Dr. Fritz Von Leibniz:

Ja, ja, ja.

Dandy David the Announcer:

So Fritz, that is to say, Dr. Leibniz, rumor has it that the mathematics of the Chronosphere is a little complex?

Dr. Fritz Von Leibniz:

Ja, ja, ja.

Dandy David the Announcer:

In fact, my notes say that the mathematics lead to an unsolvable paradox?

Dr. Fritz Von Leibniz:

Ja, ja, ja.

An unsolvable paradox, however, is a self-contradictory situation. It is a situation which logically forbids itself from being. Thus, when one shows that a particular set of circumstances allows for an unsolvable paradox, then one can argue that those circumstances must logically be impossible. Now we found a situation that does exist, but the mathematics prohibit it from truly existing – a whopper of a paradox. This conflict in fact is what led us to the path to get out of time and space. An exit paradox if you would.

Dandy David the Announcer:

Huh?

Dr. Fritz Von Leibniz:

Ja, ja, ja.

Much has been made of the advances in chaos theory and the mathematics of complexity. We used these basic tools to map the infinite dimensions of space-time which can’t exist onto a standard Cartesian plane with a single strange attractor which exists. By using a so called Feigenbaumonometer, we are able to locate our current position on the projection and the rest as they say, will be history.

Dandy Don Announcer Guy:

Ja, ja, ja, ha! And now for a word from your local station.

This is double-u dee double-e located on the internet at double-u double-u double-u dot dee double-e l-o-n-g dot com. The station for now and all of eternity.

(ding) 2 Minutes and Counting.

Dandy Don Announcer Guy:

Dandy David the Announcer:

Don, yes I’m still here. And yes hello folks, I’m still proud to be your host for the next half-hour as we explore and take in this truly universal event together.

Well, we are getting close to the big event. As they say “Bona Rerum Seconderum, Merabilia Optabilia”. I don’t know why they say it, but they say it! So let us hear from one of the Chrononauts. This interview was recorded yesterday and heard here for the first time.

Hollow sounding Dandy David the Announcer:

I’m sitting here with Dee Long inside of the apparatus of the Chronosphere Chronus 1. Dee, can you describe what is going to happen tomorrow when the countdown reaches 0?

Hollow sounding Dee:

Sure. The Chronosphere is pretty much dormant until the countdown reaches the one-minute mark. At that time, I press this button over here, which lights up lots of nice lights and basically gets things started. I think it has something to do with the Heuristic Covariant Transformation Theorem, but I’m not sure. All I know is that lots of lights blink and then all sorts of weird sounds start happening and then time seems to slow down and then whoosh. We’re out of time and space. Or so the theory goes. We’ve actually never gotten past the superluminal blink stage.

Hollow sounding Dandy David the Announcer:

Well thank you and good luck to you and your fellow Chrononaut, your wife Sydney. And now we’ll take a break for this word from your sponsors – Vitamin Plus, the all natural organic vitamins.

Commercial:

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Dandy David the Announcer:

Well there you have it. Well, soon we shall be starting the ignition lift-off sequence, or whatever they call it these days. At that time we’ll cut over to mission control and the Chrononauts and listen in as they work their way through the final minute. But first, we’ll talk with our last guest before the big moment, Dr. E. Lorenzeberger. Dr. E. Lorenzeberger is the leading authority on the physics of space-time travel, and the space-time continuum. Dr. Lorenzeberger, can you tell us, in layman’s terms where these Chrononauts are going to be and what they are going to see when they are outside of time and space?

Dr. Lorenzeberger:

Nowhere and nothing. (pause)

Dandy David the Announcer:

Huh? Can you expand upon that?

Dr. Lorenzeberger:

Sure, these Chrononauts have gone outside of time and space. There is nothing there. They have gone nowhere. There is nothing there, thus nothing to see. Now, we have made their Chronosphere chronoscopic, which should allow them to peer through the nothingness to see the universe in its entirety. Now that should be beautiful. But, no, there is nothing to see outside of time and space.

Dandy Dave the Announcer:

Pretty gray, eh?

Dr. Lorenzeberger:

No, not gray. Nothing. It has no color. There is nothing to see.

Dandy Don Announcer Guy:

Well, there you have it, or don’t as the case may be. Well, we have this station identification from your local station.

This is double-u dee double-e located on the internet at double-u double-u double-u dot dee double-e l-o-n-g dot com. The station for now and all of eternity.

(ding) 1 Minute and Counting.

Dandy Don Announcer Guy:

Dandy David the Announcer:

Don, yes I’m still here. And yes hello folks, I’m still proud to be your host for the next half-hour as we explore and take in this truly universal event together.

But now we are in our final minute, and are fast approaching the blast off, or whatever you want to call it for this truly historic event. We switch now to the cockpit of the Chronus 1 to listen to Dee, Sydney and mission control.

(ding) 50 seconds and counting.

Mission Control:

OK crew, we are past the 50 second point. You can push the button any time you are ready to initiate the sequence.

Crew:

Ok Syd? Ready to go?

Ok, Dee! I’m ready!

Ok, here we go. (sound of button pushing.)

Ok, folks, I’ve pushed the button. There are lots of lights that are starting to blink. Man, do I love blink’in lights. Look at them blink. Blink. Blink blink. Blinkity blink. Bop a boop a blink a bonk. A bop a bop a blink blink. Ata ata. Bop a blink.

Ok, now the Chronosphere is starting to glow a bit. It’s glowing a bit red. Yes red. The red is intensifying. Oh, wow!

Ok, Dee, Syd. Good luck. Please…

Dandy David the Announcer:

Ok, well this is exciting. We’ll return to the ship as soon as we hear this important message from our sponsor.

Commercial:

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Dandy David the Announcer:

While we were receiving that important message, Dee proclaimed that the sphere was turning first orange and then yellow. Let’s listen in again to the happenings on the ship.

Crew:

…but we won’t worry about that now. Oh look, the sphere is starting to shimmer green.

(ding) 30 seconds and counting.

It’s yellow with some green. No, now it is green with just a little bit of yellow. No, no. Now it is totally green. Wowie.

Oh, look. There is some blue. We are turning blue. Oooo Blue. The green is going. There is no more green. We are solid blue. Solid blue with some Violet. More violet.

(ding) 20 seconds and counting.

Look at that! We are solid violet. There is no more blue.

(ding 10 seconds and counting)

Look, there is no violet. There is nothing. There is nothing.

(ding)

[Whispered Dee and Syd:]

Are we there yet?

I don’t know. I don’t see anything. Do you?

No I don’t.

We must be there then.

Where?

Nowhere.

Oh. Wait! What’s that?

What? Oh, wow. The Chronoscope must be starting to work…

One week later, Jimi, Jim, Tara, Syd and Dee are in a spectacular room on Zero 1. The main wall is filled with a breathtaking view of Earth, from Mars. It’s in 3D, and appears to be as real as the real thing.

Long soft couches, a bar, and a very large sound system make this an ideal media room. Jimi is sitting close to the view screen, and furiously writing on a scrap of paper.

Dee, “What’s up Jimi?”

Jimi, “I wish I could’a been here when I wrote 3rd stone from the sun, man. I just came up with great lyrics.”

Jim, “You might want to check some other view. The image comes from a Time Bubble and you can send it anywhere you’d like.”

Syd, “If that’s true, why do we need to go to the Big Bang? Why not just send a probe to get better pictures?”

Dee, “Because!”

Jim, “I think what Dee means, is that there’s no substitute for being there. How many people could say they’ve been to the dawn of Creation, seen the Devil's Eye, literally been to Hell and come back alive. Of course we won’t be able to tell anyone!”

Dee, “There are a few other things we want to do. I’d very much like to get a bit of a view of human history, what happens to Earth, and to the people.”

Syd, “Well, you could certainly just dial that up on the screen…”

Dee, “I’m going along for the ride, I have to. There are things I want to do, that can’t be done by a remote probe.”

Jim and Syd, “What?”

Dee, “I’ll tell you later, let’s focus on the first two goals. I want to take a trip. I’d like to go to Earth 100 years from now. I want to spend a bit of time there incognito, and learn something about our people’s future. Ever since reading The Time Machine I’ve wanted to know. Now I can. We can. Then, I want to watch as the Earth ages, right through until it no longer exists. We’ll have to follow the path of the planet through space, and stay in a slower time frame. It should be astonishing. I have no idea what to expect.”

Jim, “And the second goal is the Big Bang. We want to experience it first hand. We’ve purposely avoided stopping to see it so far in our travels. We want it to be a special experience. But, is Jimi coming?”

Dee, “It’s up to him…”

Syd, “And the 3rd goal? I’m not coming unless you tell me!”

Dee, “I want to pick up a copy of the very first issue of Mad Magazine, straight off the presses, or from a newsstand in New York, on the day it came out. I’ve always wanted to own it.”